So Very Kind of You

29 02 2008

YOU: Welcome to WordPress, lifedoesntimitate!

ME: Why, thank you, WordPress community, et al. How very kind of you.

(uncomfortable silence)

YOU: Soooooo… you gonna tell us who you are and what you’re doing here, or…?

ME: Oh! Is that… okay. Uh… well, where do I start?

YOU: How ’bout with who you are and what you’re doing here.

ME: Right! Okay. Well, my name is —

YOU: Stop right there! We don’t need your name.

ME: You don’t.

YOU: Well, not your real name, anyway. We assume you want to maintain some level of anonymity, or else you would’ve just used your real name as your display name, right?

ME: Uh, ye — right, yeah.

YOU: Okay, so that’s cool. You’ll be known as lifedoesntimitate, and we’ll never ask who you really are. (beat) Are you famous? Don’t answer that! Sorry, it’s just —  sometimes curiosity gets the better of us, but we’ll try not to let that happen again.

ME: That’s okay. Okay, so who am I, but not my name, huh? Well, I’m pretty much just a guy —

YOU: (mockingly) “pretty much just a guy…”

ME: Is that — are you… mocking me?

YOU: Look, I’ll be honest. Yes. Yes, we are mocking you.

ME: Well, why?

YOU: It’s just… (sigh) Okay, it’s just that tons of people start up new blogs here every day. And you know what most of them are? “Just a guy.” So, why should we care, you know? We just — we thought you were different. We thought you’d be the guy who was more than just a guy. The guy who would come in here and shake things up… in a relatively controlled, mild kind of way. But I guess we were wrong.

WordPress turns to leave.

ME: Wait!

WordPress turns back, hesitantly.

ME: (cont’d) Okay. You want different? You want more than just a guy? Fine. I’m an actor living in Los Angeles, but nobody here knows me yet. If you’ll stick with me, I’ll take you on my journey to success. Things will be hard, there will be ups and there will be downs, but I’ll be your ever-truthful tour guide. I work at a Bookstore That Shall Not Be Named. Famous people come in often, as well as mind-numbingly stupid customers, and everything in between. If you’ll have me, I will frequently tell you some of those stories. I’m about to be married. If you’ll take me back, I’ll fill you in on every sordid detail of our life together (edit: make that, “every sordid detail of our life together that she approves of me telling you”). On top of that, I tend to be random and vaguely amusing (That’s actually on my business card: “lifedoesntimitate: He’s Random And Vaguely Amusing!” — see what I mean?), so if you’ll give me one more chance, WordPress, I’ll do my damndest to make you love me. What I want is simple. I want to have THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS BLOG!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!Or at least to have enough readership to quit my survival job, whatever. Is that too much to ask? I think not. And I can do it, too. With your help. So, whaddaya say, WordPress? You with me?

YOU: Huh? Wha — sorry, I kinda zoned. What were you saying? Something about cookies, or…?

ME: Yeah. Yeah, something about cookies.

YOU: Groovy. Well, anyway. Welcome. See you around.

WordPress vanishes in a flash of flashiness, leaving lifedoesntimitate alone, cold, confused.

— ldi

Advertisements