Stating A Mission

26 03 2008

Hmmmm… I’ve been thinking a bit about this blog recently. Haven’t been writing a whole helluva lot in it, but I’ve been thinking. The way it all started was that my fiancee started a blog a good while ago, and she eventually got something of a fan base, and she then encouraged me to start one of my own.

So I decided, what the heck? I had been maintaining a blog over at myspace for a couple of years, but I was always very aware of who was reading the thing. Granted, there weren’t many reading it, but all who were were people I actually know. Which was the problem. Because, you see, when you know the people who read what you write, and they are also the people who, chances are, you’re going to be writing about, it makes it difficult to be completely honest. Not that I’m a lying bastard who has many faces or anything, but let’s face it, sometimes we shroud the truth a little. Like, I love all my friends dearly, and I can tell them anything, but I might sometimes choose not to. Or I might fear that if I write something, void as writing is of inflection and tone, it might be interpreted as serious when I meant it as sarcastic. Or, and this was really my main concern, my little cousin was a reader of the blog, and sometimes I’m angry or upset at my family, or something’s going on that I don’t want them to know about just yet, and so I would have to choose not to blog about something for fear that it would get back to them. Didn’t I deserve a place where I could be completely who I am, without fear of hurting someone’s feelings just by expressing my own?

I thought I did.

And so I came to wordpress. And I was full of positive energy, thinking here finally was that place. And what did I do? Did I write honestly? Express myself truthfully? Well, yes. And also not yes. Everything I’ve blogged so far in this blog has been honest. I’ve not lied, but the thing is, going back through the small amount I’ve contributed, I realize that it doesn’t really sound like me. Everything is how I feel, but it’s not necessarily how I’d say it if I was talking to someone.

Thing is, I’m a funny guy. I wonder if that’s shown through here so far. Another thing about me is that I don’t always know what I’m saying, even as I’m saying it. And yet, with every post here, save for the dialogue with the two guys talking about finding a wallet, I’ve gone to great lengths to make sure that I was impressed with what I’d written. What I mean is that I’ve tried very hard to make you, the hypothetical reader, think, “Wow. Here’s a guy who is smart and sweet, and other things that I deem positive.” And the thing is, as much as I really do want you to like me, I want you to like me, and I’m not sure you know me yet.

Which begs the question, “How is blogging to impress you different than blogging to spare friends’ feelings?” I say it’s not different.

People so often feel the need to impress, no? Like, talk to a guy fancies himself a film-fan. Ask that guy for his top five favorites. You’ll hear things like, Welcome to the Dollhouse or The Seventh Seal or Casablanca. You won’t hear, for example, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare or Road Trip or the remake of Assault on Precinct 13. Which is not to say that that first group isn’t genuinely on that movie fan’s list, nor that that second group isn’t particularly bad. It is to say, however, that that second group would never even be considered as an answer because the guy answering is trying desperately to impress the guy asking. I’ll go obscure or classic or foriegn, they think. That’ll do the trick.

So, how to get over that and make this blog a genuine insight into my psyche? Well, I think I’ve figured out a way. See, one of the reasons I blog so rarely is that I always want to have something important-seeming to say. And then, on top of that, I want to say it in a way that sounds deep or wise. So what I’ve decided is that I will make a goal for myself to blog at least three times every week. What this will do is force me to sit down and say something. Chances are I won’t have three well-worked-out things to say every week, but that’s kind of the point. I’m trying to get over being “perfect,” and trying instead for genuine.

In real life, I stumble over words, I think I know things that I don’t and therefore make a fool of myself, I tell stories that don’t have endings or points. I’m flawed. I’d like to start reflecting that.

If you do know me, and I write about something in here one day and you’re convinced I’m talking about you, and you feel a certain way about it, let me know. Let’s start a dialogue. I’m a pretty open guy, so chances are you won’t read something here that comes as a complete shock, but like I said, I’m going to try not to censor myself because it might upset you.

Who knows if this whole thing will work out. For all I know, couple weeks from now, there’s another post, “I’ve decided to write a post a month, but it will be the most perfect, enlightening, eye-opening post ever… until the following month.” Who knows? Let’s find out together.

— ldi

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