Dear Patch Of Grass

3 04 2008

Dear Patch Of Grass —

Hey, what’s up? It’s been a while. How’ve you been? Have you been sick? You look a little green. Haha, j/k. Good joke, ldi. Good joke, indeed.

Anywho, I was just wondering if you remember the last time we met up. Remember? It was a little more than a month ago. Srsly? You don’t… Okay, well, what happened was I saw you, and I thought to myself, Well, I could walk around you… or I could jump over you. Guess which one I decided? It was to jump over you.

Anyway, long story short (too late, j/k) I landed just fine, and everything would’ve been cool like that, but then I twisted the hell out of my ankle, sprained it like crazy, it swelled up to softball-size proportions, and many, many different shades of purple materialized as it started bruising.

On that day, you almost won, Patch Of Grass. In fact, there were days when I was convinced you had won. The pain, the inability to walk, there were days I wanted to just give up, let you have your victory.

But that’s not how I roll.

So, through it all, I persevered. I worked through the pain, calmed the swelling, and finally, two days ago, I triumphed. Two days ago, I drove a car for the first time in over a month. Just to the gas station around the corner at first, but then to work, and then home from work. And I’m not gonna lie, it hurt. In fact, that night, I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to drive again the next day.

But I did. And I will again today.

And so, Patch Of Grass, you lose. I win, and you lose. But I know that won’t sit well with you. Yeah, I’ve got your number, I know how you think. You’re probably planning something right now, aren’t you? And that’s just fine. Because when you strike again, I’ll be ready. The ball may be in your court, but we’re both on the playing field. (It’s a metaphor. A mixed metaphor.) Your move, bitch. Make it a good one.

— ldi


Dear 7-11 Cashier

28 03 2008

Dear 7-11 Cashier –

Hey, man. What’s up? Not much with me. Cool.

So, I don’t wanna seem like a dick, but I have a quick request: when I’m buying a thing of ice cream from your store, and the little placard thingie says that it will be $4.99, and then you ring it up, and you and I can both clearly see that the total is $4.99 because the LED states it on your and my side of the register in nice, bold, big green numbers, please don’t tell me that my total is in fact $5.oo. Then, when I mention this discrepency, please don’t argue with me like I’m not right, and claim that there’s a single cent in tax, when we both know that’s a complete fabrication on your part.

Furthermore, once we’ve sorted all that out, please don’t proceed to get all pissy with me when I ask for my receipt. I think in general, and I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job, you should maybe just assume that all customers want their receipt. Just, you know, go ahead and offer it to them all, and if they don’t want it, they’ll probably ask you to throw it away, or they’ll throw it away themselves. I’ll bet you’re concerned because you think that if it gets thrown away, the company’s losing money, and your boss will fire you, right? Is that it? Well, let me assure you, 7-11 Cashier, that the company expects customers to want their receipt. They actually count on it. I promise.

Thanks a lot for your time.

— ldi